Submission Is a Mark of Maturity

Article by Stacy Reaoch

We had been married just over a year when our first big clash of wills happened.

My husband was working as an intern at a large church, but we were planning to move to seminary soon. I was teaching in a public school, hoping that once my husband was through seminary and on staff at a church, I would be able to quit my job and we could start a family. But a wrench was thrown into our perfect plan. The church we were at offered my husband a full-time ministry position. The problem was that my husband also had aspirations for a doctoral degree, and we had planned to move to Kentucky for schooling.

Suddenly this new offer was on the table, and my husband was inclined to take it. All I could think of was that he would eventually still want to go to seminary and I could be teaching forever before he was finally done and I could be a full-time momma. So our first major marital argument began.

I knew full-well that my call as a wife was to submit to my husband. That had never been a problem. That is, until he no longer wanted what I wanted. I knew what the Bible said. And that’s what brought me so much fear and anxiety. Sadly, I dealt with my misplaced feelings through a lot of tears and whining. The amount of time we were not on the same page was probably only a couple weeks, but the intensity of the decision made it feel like an eternity.

“Have It Your Way” Culture

In our own sinful, independent spirit we think we know better. We are a society that claims rights. As Burger King coined it so well, we like people to tell us “have it your way.” So the idea of acquiescing to someone else rubs most of us the wrong way. Without a Godward focus and remembering the commands of his word, we can easily be swept into the world’s way of claiming our rights and insisting on our own way, no matter what the cost.

Yet the Bible gives us clear guidelines on the structure of authority in our lives. All of us are under the authority of someone else — whether it be a boss at work, government officials, church elders, parents, or your husband. And God has made it very clear what we are to do: “Be subject for the Lord’s sake to every human institution . . .” (1 Peter 2:13), unless the authority is asking you to sin. God has set up a structure of authority for our own good and protection. And even when our authorities don’t seem to be making the best decision in our eyes, the call to submit is still the same.

This is not to say we can’t respectfully disagree.

We’ve told our children if they disagree with a decision we’re making, they can make a respectful appeal, one time. But after we have heard them out and make a final decision, we don’t want to hear any more about it. No ifs, ands or buts. Complaining is done. They need to step back and trust that as their parents, we are trying to make the best decision possible for everyone involved.

So why is that so hard to do? Why do we often succumb to grumbling and complaining?

The Ultimate Authority

The ultimate question really is not, “Can I trust the person in authority over me,” but, “Am I trusting that God is leading this person to lead me?” Yes, people are fallible, but God is infallible. He never makes mistakes. He establishes rulers and kingdoms. He is the beginning and the end, the Alpha and the Omega. And he has put those bosses, elders, parents and husbands in the positions of authority they are in. Nothing takes him by surprise. And he can be trusted.

When I am whining and complaining to others about a “bad” decision someone in authority over me made, I am really whining and complaining about God. I’m not trusting God’s ordained leadership, and telling him that I have a better plan. And God does not take that lightly. “Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment” (Romans 13:2).

How we respond to difficult decisions made by the leadership over us is a test of Christian maturity. We can choose to humbly submit or make a respectful appeal, or we can choose to grumble, gossip, and slander the very leaders God has sovereignly placed in our lives.

Here are a few ways to move toward keeping a God-centered perspective on submission to authorities in our lives.

1) Recognize God’s authority structure as revealed in Scripture.

“Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God.” (Romans 13:1)

2. Pray for the leaders God has placed over you.

“First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way.” (1 Timothy 2:1–2)

3. Repent of any grumbling in your own heart.

“Do all things without grumbling or disputing.” (Philippians 2:14)

4. Pray for a posture of submission and respect to those in authority over you.

Give grace to those who have a different opinion than yourself, asking God to give you a respectful heart.

“Be subject for the Lord’s sake to every human institution . . . .” (1 Peter 2:13)

5. Guard your tongue from complaining, gossip or slander.

“Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.” (Proverbs 13:3)

6. Look for ways to speak well of those in authority over you, even if you don’t agree with their decision.

“Remind them to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people.” (Titus 3:1–2)

7. Find ways to come alongside your leaders, encouraging and helping them in the weighty task they’ve been given.

“I long to see you, that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to strengthen you- that is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith, both yours and mine.” (Romans 1:11–12)

Remember that the world is watching as we deal with those who have different opinions than ourselves, especially those who are in places of authority over us. Will others be drawn to the gospel or moved further away as they watch the conduct of our lives and hear the words that flow from our mouths? Let’s pass the test of Christian maturity by respecting God’s perfect design for order in our lives.

Article originally posted at : https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/submission-is-a-mark-of-maturity

4 Marks of a Godly Husband's Love

Article by Tim Challies

“Husbands, love your wives” (Ephesians 5:25a). On the one hand it is such a simple statement, a simple command. Simply love. On the other hand there is not a husband in the world who would say that he has mastered it. Behind the simple command is a lifetime of effort, a lifetime of growth. How is a husband to love his wife? What is the kind of love that he owes her? I am tracking here with Richard Phillips as he explains in his new commentary on Ephesians.

A self-sacrificing love. A husband’s love is self-sacrificing. “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Every husband knows that he is called to love his wife to such a degree that he would willing to die for her. But God calls for far more than this. “It is easy for men to think of dying dramatically—and bloodily—for our wives in some grand gesture. But what Paul specifically has in mind is for husbands to live sacrificially for their wives. This means a dying to self-interest to place her needs before your own. It means a willingness to crucify your sins and selfish habits and unworthy character traits. I remember a husband who told me he had always thought that if a man came into the house with a knife to attack his wife, sure, he would be willing to die defending her. ‘Then I realized,’ he said, ‘that emotionally and spiritually, I am that man who assaults my wife and threatens her well-being. What God calls me to do is put my own sinful self to death’.” Exactly so. You would die for your wife, but will you live for her?

A redeeming love. A husband’s love is, like Christ’s love, redeeming. Christ “gave himself up for [the church], that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” “If we follow this progression we see the Christian gospel in terms of Christ’s preparation of a bride for himself.” Christ is actively sanctifying his people through the word to cleanse us from sin and make us holy. Paul now says that a husband is to see this as his model for the way he relates to his bride. “As Christ’s love redeems us for glory, a husband’s love ought to be directed toward the spiritual growth of his wife. Notice, too, that this ministry is associated with a husband’s words. The Greek word used here is thema, which signifies actual words, rather than the more common logos which speaks of a message in general. This makes the point of how important a husband’s words are to his wife. Far from badgering or tearing down his wife with his speech, loving husbands are to remind their wives of God’s love and minister for their blessing and increased spiritual maturity.”

A caring love. A husband’s love is also a caring love. “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.” A man’s care for his wife should be as careful and intimate as his care for his own body. Paul offers two key words to describe this: nourish and cherish. A husband cares for his wife by nourishing her heart much like a gardener nourishes his plants. “This requires him to pay attention to her, to talk with her in order to know what her hopes and fears are, what dreams she has for the future, where she feels vulnerable or ugly, and what makes her anxious or gives her joy.” A husband cherishes his wife “in the way he spends time with her and speaks about her, so that she feels safe and loved in his presence.” Phillips offers this warning: “In my experience, a husband’s caring love is one of the greatest needs in most marriages. [A] wife’s heart is dried up by a husband who pays her little attention, takes no interest in her emotional life, and does not connect with her heart.”

A committed love. Finally, a husband’s love is a committed love. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” In the same way that Christ is utterly faithful to his church, a husband is to be completely faithful to his wife. This is signified in the one flesh union which is “the sharing of a whole life in the safe bounds of committed love.” One great barrier to this kind of love is when a husband does not transfer his allegiance from his parents to his wife, thus not fully leaving his father and mother. “A husband who shares marital secrets with his parents or who cannot break free from his family’s control is not able to offer his wife the devotion she needs.” Another great barrier is sexual sin. “Marriage involves forsaking all others in favor of an exclusive, intimate, and indivisible bond. … In Paul’s pagan world, as in our own, marriage was undermined by insecurity, as men and women exchanged partners the way they changed clothes. But a Christian husband offers his wife the security of a committed love, in which she can blossom emotionally and spiritually.” A husband commits to his wife to the exclusion of all others.

In all of these ways a Christian marriage is a portrait of Christ’s union with his church. “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” When we see this intimate connection between marriage and the gospel, we understand that “There is nothing more profound in all this world than the sacred bond of marriage, and no more solemn duty than those owed by a wife to her husband and a husband to his wife.” So husband, do you love your wife? In what ways do you need to love her better, to love her just like Christ loves his church?

Article originally posted at:  https://www.challies.com/articles/4-marks-of-a-godly-husband%E2%80%99s-love/

God Will Give You More than You Can Handle

Article by Mitch Chase

Christians can make the strangest claims when comforting those who are suffering. What do you say to someone whose life is falling apart? If you have but few precious minutes with a person who’s lost a job, home, spouse, child, or all sense of purpose, what comfort do you give?

We might turn to conventional wisdom instead of Scripture and end up saying something like, “Don’t worry, this wouldn’t happen in your life if God didn’t think you could bear it.” The sufferer may object, head shaking and hands up. But you insist, “Look, seriously, the Bible promises God won’t ever give you more in life than you can handle.” There it is—conventional wisdom masquerading as biblical truth. You’ve promised what the Bible never does.

Temptations Versus Trials

In 1 Corinthians 10, the apostle Paul writes, “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” His discussion is specific: he’s writing about “temptation,” a snare that breaks a sweat trying to drag us into sin. Using a predator metaphor, God warned Cain that “sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you, but you must rule over it” (Gen. 4:7). Sin stalks us, but God is faithful. Sin desires to overcome us, but there is a merciful way of escape. Sin sets the bait, but for the believer—praise God!—sin is not irresistible.

Now if people apply Paul’s words about temptation to general sufferings, you can see where the line “God will never give you more than you can handle” comes from. I don’t doubt the sincerity and good intentions of those who use this phrase, but sincerity isn’t enough. Even Job’s friends meant well.

The Twin Errors

There are at least two errors in the unbiblical notion of “God will never give you more than you can handle.” First, it plays on the cultural virtue of fairness. Second, it points the sufferer inward instead of Godward.

1. Trials that Are . . . Fair?

If you give your children boxes to load into the car, you make visual and weight assessments that factor in their ages and strength. You don’t overload their arms and watch them crash to the ground with stuff splayed everywhere. That would be unfair. The saying “God will never give you more than you can handle” strikes a tone of fairness we instinctually like. There’s something pleasing about the idea that the scales are in balance, that God has assessed what we can handle and permits trials accordingly.

But there is a glaring problem with the “fairness” that undergirds this conventional wisdom: God has been unfair already, because he has not dealt with us as our sins deserve. He has been longsuffering, forbearing, gracious, and abounding in love. The sun shines and rain falls even on the unjust (Matt. 5:45). God transcends the categories of fair and unfair to such a degree that we have no position to evaluate his actions or weigh his will. His ways aren’t subject to our culture’s standard of fairness.

2. The Power . . . Within?

Suffering doesn’t ask if you’re ready. It may come slowly or with a vengeance, but it doesn’t ask permission, and it doesn’t care about convenience. There’s never a good time for your life to be wrecked. But the saying “God will never give you more than you can handle” tells me I have what it takes. It tells me I can bear whatever comes my way. It tells me God permits trials according to my ability to endure. Think about what this conventional wisdom does: it points people inward.

Yet the Bible points us Godward. As the psalmist says, “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling” (Ps. 46:1–3). When our strength is failing under crushing burdens, the answer is not within. God gives power to the faint and increases the strength of the weak (Isa. 40:29). The power comes from him to those who wait on him.

Where Trials Direct Us

Trials come in all shapes and sizes, but they don’t come to show how much we can take or how we have it all together. Overwhelming suffering will come our way because we live in a broken world with broken people. And when it comes, let’s be clear ahead of time that we don’t have what it takes. God will give us more than we can handle—but not more than he can

The psalmist asks, “Where does my help come from?” (Ps. 121:1), and we must be able to answer like he did. We must know and believe, deep in our bones, that “My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth” (121:2). When trials come, trust that the Lord’s help will come. This news is helpful to sufferers since we’re saying something true about God instead of something false about ourselves.

Paul recalled a time when God gave him more than he could bear. In a letter to the Corinthians, he wrote, “For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself” (2 Cor. 1:8). Paul and his associates had been in circumstances that transcended their strength to endure: “Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death” (1:9).

Then he provides a crucial insight into his despair. Why were he and his companions given more than they could handle? To “make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead” (2 Cor. 1:9). God will give you more than you can handle so that his great power might be displayed in your life. Indeed, a greater weight of glory is still to come: “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison” (2 Cor. 4:17).

You might not consider overwhelming sufferings to be “light” and “momentary,” but think of your trials in terms of a trillion years from now. In the middle of affliction, sometimes the most difficult thing to hold onto is an eternal vision. Paul isn’t trying to minimize your affliction; he’s trying to maximize your perspective.

Suffering doesn’t get the last line in the script. In this life, God will give you more than you can handle, but the coming weight of glory will be greater than you can imagine.

Mitch Chase (PhD, The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary) is the pastor at Kosmosdale Baptist Church and an adjunct professor at Boyce College in Louisville, Kentucky. He’s the author of Behold Our Sovereign God and The Gospel Is for Christians. He is married to Stacie, and they have four boys. You can follow him on Twitter.

Article originally posted at: https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/god-will-give-you-more-than-you-can-handle/

Growing Trust in Marriage

Article by Robert Kelleman, RPM Ministries

Couples Working the Trust-Soil Together… 

Shirley and I continue to watch the Paul Tripp marriage seminar video series based upon his book, What Did You Expect? I blogged about session 2 here: Who Is the Real Problem in My Marriage? It’s Me!  

Session 3 of the video focuses on couples working together to build a sturdy bond of trust. It’s a two-way relationship: each spouse needs to grow in being trustworthy. Also, each spouse needs to grow in being trusting—having faith in God’s trustworthiness so that we can grow in trust of an imperfect spouse. Here’s my summary of Tripp’s video.

Trust Is the Soil in Which Marriage Grows 

Because no spouse is perfect, every spouse will do things that make trust more difficult—things that tend toward destabilizing trust. So we have to work daily toward building trust and toward entrusting ourselves to an imperfect spouse.

We often think of trust-building being primarily the result of trust-worthy behaviors. But trust-building is equally the result of trust-giving attitudes. That is, I need to be forgiving and grace-giving toward my imperfect spouse. And, that imperfect spouse (all of us), needs to be humble and honest enough to admit my trust-breaking behaviors. Again, trust-building is a two-way street. As Tripp says, “Trust-building is a mutual construction project.” And, “every marriage, every spouse, must work at building trust.”

5 Trust Questions 

Tripp urges each spouse to answer these questions for them self, rather than thinking, “Yep, my spouse needs to work on that one!” Take the mote or speck out of our own eye (Matthew 7:3-5).

1. Do I do what I promise?

Tripp notes that it’s not just the big promises that cause trust issues. It’s the micro-promises every day. Do I promise to do something, but fail to do it? Do I promise to be forgiving, but break that promise? Do I promise to quit judging, but break that promise? Am I reliable?

1. Am I attentive to what my spouse sees as important?

It’s easy to value what I value. But do I value something simply because I love my spouse and he or she values a particular value? Don’t minimize or mock the concerns of your spouse—that destabilizes trust.

1. Do I make excuses for my failure to do what I promised?

How do I respond when my failure is exposed by my spouse, or a friend, or a counselor? Am I defensive? Angry? Do I pout and retreat into pity when my failure is revealed? Or, do I willingly and humbly confess my failure? Must I be perfect in my own eyes and in the eyes of others, or am I able to admit my faults and sins?

1. Do I forgive and “re-trust” my spouse when he or she owns up to failure?

Trust in marriage is like the soil in a garden. It must be tended to daily. Weeds must be pulled out. “Nothing breaks the trust atmosphere and environment of the marital soil of trust more than failure to forgive” (Tripp).

1. Have I withdrawn from my spouse in self-protective distance?

This builds on question 4. Am I willing to be open and vulnerable—even to an imperfect spouse? Am I defensive and self-protective and unwilling to trust my spouse unless he/she is perfect or does “penance”?

Thus marital trust has two sides: 1.) Growing in keeping promises (albeit imperfectly). 2.) Growing in granting grace and forgiveness when promises are imperfectly kept.

I would add, as I’m sure Tripp would, that there’s an interplay between these and that a pattern of broken promises also requires the grace of loving confrontation… A healthy marriage is a place where spouses speak truth in love to one another so each grows up in Christ. 

Trust Is a Matter of Character and the Fruit of the Spirit 

The more I reflect the fruit of the Spirit, the more trust grows.

In my promises, do I reflect love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control?

In my responses to my imperfect spouse, do I reflect love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control?

3 Morning Prayers of the Spirit-Dependent, Trust-Building Spouse 

Because trust is a matter of growing spiritual maturity, and because spiritual maturity develops as I mature in my relationship to Christ, Tripp encourages spouses to rise each morning to pray:

1. “Lord, I confess that I am in desperate need of You to produce the fruit of the Spirit.”
2. “Lord, send me your helpers today (people, Scripture, my spouse, etc.) so I can become more like Christ.”
3. “Lord, grant me the humility to receive help from You and others.”

6 Ways to Build Trust in Marriage 

Again, Tripp urges us to look at the mote/speck in our own eye, rather than pointing to our spouse to follow these 6 trust-building ways.

1. Be honest in communication: Ephesians 4:29.
2. Be true to your promises.
3. Face up to your wrong.

Self-righteousness, pride, and arrogance damage trust. A superior attitude that “you’re wrong and I’m right,” damages trust.

1. Nurture your spouse: Philippians 2:1-5.

Look out for the interest of your spouse more than your own interests.

1. Keep a short account!

Forgive.

“Unwillingness to forgive pollutes the soil of trust” (Tripp).

“The root of unwillingness to forgive is pride” (Tripp).

1. Realize that trust is spiritual warfare: Ephesians 6:10-18.

Admit your need for the Spirit’s help and for prayer and for the armor of God in building trust.

The Core to Trust: Trusting God 

The core to trust is not a perfectly trustworthy spouse.

The core to trust is trusting a perfectly trustworthy heavenly Father.

Do I trust my heavenly Father enough to become vulnerable to my imperfect and not-always-trustworthy spouse?

Do I trust my heavenly Father enough to give grace to my imperfect spouse?

Trust in marriage is less about me and my spouse and more about me and my God.

Thoughts for Reflection 

What’s the trust-soil like in your heart? What’s the trust-soil like in your marriage?

Which of the principles from Tripp’s video do you most need to ask God to work on in your heart and relationship?

Article originally posted at: https://www.rpmministries.org/2018/03/growing-trust-marriage/

7 Marks of a Good Apology and 8 Marks of a Bad Apology

Article by Brad Hambrick

Repentance is an essential part of the Christian life, relational health, and maintaining an accurate view of the world. Repentance is when we quit trying to make our dysfunction “work” and embrace the life-giving alternative to our sin that God offers.

Repentance is when we quit trying to make our dysfunction 'work' and embrace the life-giving alternative to our sin that God offers.CLICK TO TWEET

When we direct repentance towards a person we have offended we often call it an apology. For this reason, Christians should be better at apologizing than anyone else.

In the context of offense (when we are the offended party), it can be difficult to be objective about whether an apology is good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, genuine or obligatory. Motives are subjective and rarely all good or all bad.

In this post, I pull from several previous posts and resources in order to try to identify the markers of a good (i.e., God-honoring) apology and markers of a a bad apology (i.e., one that fails to accomplish God’s redemptive agenda after an offense). I hope these help us repent well when are the offending party and discern wisely when we are the offended party in a conflict.

7 Marks of a Good Apology

Ken Sande in Peacemaking for Families, his excellent book on conflict resolution, describes seven elements of repentance (bold text only). This outline is developed in the order that words of repentance would typically be spoken in conversation. Explanations and applications will be provided for each point.

* This material is an abbreviated excerpt from the mentoring manual for the Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage: Communication seminar (unit 5), so while in places it has a marital focus it is applicable to any relational context.

1. Address Everyone Involved.

If someone was directly or indirectly affected by your sin or observed your sin, then you should seek their forgiveness. When you fail to seek forgiveness you leave that person believing you think your actions were acceptable to God (particularly damaging for children and others over whom you have leadership responsibilities). Our repentance is often used by God to awaken us to the far-reaching, unintended consequences of our sin.

Mentality: Think of relationships scarred by sin as rooms of your home infected by termites. Sin is a destructive force that enjoys doing residual damage until is it exterminated by repentance and forgiveness. There is no such thing as an “insignificant termite” in your home. Likewise, there is no such thing as an “insignificant effect of sin” in a relationship.

2. Avoid If, But, and Maybe.

Our first tendency in repentance is to soften what we admit. Words like if, but, and maybe have no place in repentance. “If” calls into question whether what you did was really wrong. “But” transforms repentance into accusation. “Maybe” indicates you are not convinced your actions were wrong and invites a conversation (or debate) that is likely to go badly and, regardless, is not repentance.

Acknowledge you violated God‘s character. Repentance is about more than acknowledging sub-optimal behaviors. It is an admission that I misrepresented the character of the God whose name I bear when I call myself a Christian (i.e., literally “little Christ” when the title was first given in Acts 11:26). When we seek forgiveness we are saying, “I failed in my life purpose to be ‘an ambassador of Christ (2 Cor. 5:20)’ and I want clarify what I distorted to you.”

Do not use verbs of completion (i.e., I know…) but verbs ending in “-ing” (i.e., I am learning…). Avoiding verbs of completion allows the other person to talk about other aspects of our offense without it feeling like they are “piling on” to what we have already said ― “I know.”

3. Admit Specifically.

One goal of repentance (in the name of “loving our neighbor as yourself”) is to make forgiveness as easy as possible (which is never easy). We can do this by being detailed in our confession. Generic confession is often a sign of insincerity. “We all know what happened,” is no excuse for brevity. Hearing that you can be specific without falling into blame-shifting or self-pity is an important indicator that you are a “safe” person and that restoration is wise.

If making a list of the specific ways that you have offended someone in preparation for confession causes you to feel intense shame, then you need to make sure that you have repented to God first and embraced His forgiveness. Your spouse’s forgiveness cannot be an emotional replacement for God’s. When shame drives confession, your emotions of contrition will take center stage and overpower your request for forgiveness.

4. Apologize (Acknowledge the Hurt).

Sin has consequences; both intentional and unintentional. Repentance expresses empathy and often takes responsibility for the dominoes that fall as a result of our sin. This is not groveling or penance (both of which are emotionally manipulative). It is an exercise in other-mindedness. Resistance to expressing empathy reveals that the same self-centeredness that made our sin seem rationale in the moment.

Reflection Questions: How did my sin affect my spouse (personally, emotionally, spiritually, socially, professionally, etc…)? What messages did my sin send? What impact did the delay between my sin and my repentance have? What life pattern did my sin continue?

Remember, your goal in repentance is an effort to represent God more accurately to the person you have offended. God is compassionate and understanding to our hurts (Psalm 56:8). If our confession is rooted in a desire to make God known in each moment, then our confession will include evidence that we have reflected on the impact of our sin.

5. Accept the Consequence.

Repentance is not a plea-bargain or negotiation. Repentance is not a time when we establish the “acceptable terms” for our sin. If our repentance and confession are sincere, then the need for consequences-as-punishment (to open blind eyes and soften a hard heart) is absent. However, consequences can still play a disciplinary role (reinforcing life lessons and solidifying prevention measures) and a trust-building role (providing tangible fruit to the otherwise unverifiable desire to change). It is acceptable, and often wise, for the forgiving person to request consequences of these latter kinds. However, it is not your place to define what is punitive, disciplinary, or trust-building.

Begin by stating the obvious. If there are clear changes you need to make, state them in your repentance. Do not phrase them as, “I will do [blank] for you,” as if these actions were a favor or concession, or “If you insist, I will [blank],” portraying change as punishment. It is more in keeping with repentance to say, “Because I see my need to change, I will [blank].”

End by asking an open ended question. Honest questions are a sign of humility. They reveal that we are not presenting a contract or deal, but that we are seeking to be restored to a person. A simple, “Are there other ways I can show you the sincerity of my desire to change or make you feel honored?” would suffice.

6. Alter Your Behavior.

The repentant conversation is not the culmination of the journey. It is merely the drawing of the map and acknowledgement that the map is needed. If we stop at verbal repentance our lack of effort gives the person reason to say, “You didn‘t really mean what you said.”

Read Luke 14:28-33. Part of embracing the Gospel is counting the cost of following God and embracing the sacrifice. Obviously, it‘s worth it. We give up our life of sin and its misery and we gain a life being transformed to what God intended and Heaven. But it feels painful and often we want to back out because of our doubt. The same is true with repentance, because it is rooted in the Gospel paradigm of dying to self to find life.

7. Ask for Forgiveness & Allow Time.

“I‘m sorry” is not the same thing as asking for forgiveness. “I‘m sorry” is an appropriate statement after a mistake. “Will you forgive me?” is the appropriate statement when we have sinned against another person.

Remember, forgiveness is commanded by God, but Scripture never calls on the confessing party to be the one who reminds others of this command or to insist that it be obeyed.  As a general rule to promote humility and patience, allow at least as much time for forgiveness as it took you to come to repentance. It is hypocritical to expect someone else to process suffering (your sin against them) faster than you changed your sin.

8 Marks of a Bad Apology

This material was originally posted as a blog at the Biblical Counseling Coalition site.

The recognition that there are healthy and unhealthy forms of repentance is both common sense and biblical (2 Corinthians 7:8-13). On this everyone agrees; secular and sacred. The difficulty is in discerning disingenuous repentance. Mature and discerning people can witness the same conversation and walk away with distinctly different impressions about whether a given expression of remorse represents genuine repentance, sorrow for being caught, or a tactic to gain relational leverage.

In this post, I hope to accomplish two things. First, I will attempt to clarify two common misperceptions about manipulation. Second, I will discuss a series of phrases commonly used in repentance which can be red flags that the remorse being expressed will not lead to healthy relational restoration.

Misperception #1:

Manipulation is about motive (why or how something is done) more than method (what is said or done). There is no way to make a list of “manipulative phrases.” Every phrase listed below has a context in which it could be legitimate and appropriate. Manipulation is about motive (resisting change, minimizing responsibility, blame-shifting, etc…) and is most effective (in a negative sense of “effectiveness”) when that phrase/action used seems legitimate.

Implication – The explanation after each phrase below will be important to understand. If the description of how each phrase can be a part of manipulative repentance does not fit a given use of that phrase, it should not be considered manipulative.

Misperception #2:

Manipulation does not require “malice aforethought” or intellectual cunning. From my experience in counseling, most people who are using remorse to gain an advantage or avoid responsibility are not aware, in the moment, of what they’re doing. They just want to escape the discomfort of the moment. This driving desire (i.e., to escape) shapes the way they define words and frame questions.

In reality, that is what manipulation is: manipulation is defining words and framing questions (by verbiage or emotions) in such a way that makes a healthy response from the other person seem selfish, mean, or unreasonable.

1. “I know I’m not perfect.”

Your expectations that I responded decently are unreasonable. You are holding me to a perfectionistic standard. In order to avoid being confronted by you, I would have to be perfect. You should feel bad for being judgmental and harsh instead of asking me to seek restoration for what I did.

2. “I’ve never pretended to be someone I’m not.”

You knew who I was when we started this relationship so you are being unfair by expecting me to be decent. This confuses genuineness with righteousness; authenticity with holiness. By this standard, someone could be consistently hurtful and we would still be to blame for their sin because we chose to be in relationship with them.

3. “You are bringing up stuff from the past.”

We can only talk about events, not patterns of behaviors. Often this impasse is reached when the individual repenting is unwilling to see that the event (for instance, intoxication or belligerence) in question was part of a larger pattern (i.e., addiction or abusive speech). If there is a pattern of behavior and this pattern goes unacknowledged, then the level of efforts towards change will be inadequate to produce the necessary change.

4. “You know I am not the kind of person who would do that… that is not what I meant.”

Your experience of me is not an accurate depiction of reality. My self-perception and intentions are truer than your experience. These phrases leave the person repenting in charge of defining the event for which forgiveness is being sought. The intent /self-perception of the sinner is being imposed as a limit on the pain of the one sinned against. The result is that the offended person has less voice in describing their pain. The offending person remains in charge of the narrative.

5. “I said I was sorry. What more do you want from me? What more can I do?”

If anything more than my words (i.e., “I’m sorry”) are required in response to my actions, then you are being unforgiving, mean, weak, or hyper-emotional. Also, this response often implies that an apology should be met with an immediate sense of trust and equanimity in the relationship. Any lingering sense of mistrust by the offended person is then labeled as an unreasonable and ungodly form of punishment.

6. More use of first person pronouns (i.e., I, me, my) than second person pronouns (i.e., you, your).

While this is not a specific phrase, the excessive use of self-centered pronouns may reveal that the person repenting is focusing on their personal experience of the offense more than the impact on the person they hurt or offended. In this way, the person repenting is remaining the main character in their repentance as much as they were in their sin.

Note: First person pronouns should be used in the active / ownership part of repentance. However, in the description of the impact and aftermath of our sin, healthy repentance focuses more on the disruption we caused in the other person’s life.

7. “There are a lot of people / couples who have it much worse than you / we do.”

You should feel bad for complaining when the situation was not as bad as it could have been. This equates “could have been worse” with “not bad enough to mention.” It also portrays suffering as a competitive sport in which only those who suffer the worst merit sympathy for their hardship.

This phrase often comes towards the end of an unhealthy repentance conversation. Early in the conversation the repenting person minimizes or blame-shifts. When the offended party tries to clarify the degree of hurt, this is viewed as exaggeration. This perception of exaggeration leads the repenting person to use the logic of “this situation is not as bad as [more exaggerative situation].”

8. “I promise I will do better (without agreement about the problem or concrete examples)”

Even though I minimize and disagree with you about the past and present, you should trust what I mean when I say “better” about the future. Commitments to change are not bad, although these commitments should usually have more humility than an absolute promise. However, when commitments to do “better” are made during a disagreement about the nature of the offense, these commitments become a way to shut down communication. Again, if you don’t accept my promise, you’re being mean, unforgiving, or unreasonable.

Conclusion

Remember most expressions of manipulation are unintentional (this does not reduce culpability). Many people are unskilled at difficult communication and become unduly shaped by their own interests when they should be owning their sin.

Frequently, I have found that when a counselor can articulate the unhealthy dynamic that exists in an attempt to repent, the offending person can see the coerciveness of their attempt at reconciliation. Usually (if it’s in marriage counseling), the couple will say, “Yikes, we do this a lot. We knew it wasn’t working but we couldn’t figure out why.”

This leads to a fruitful conversation about why their past efforts at restoring conflict through the biblical process of repentance and forgiveness had been unsuccessful (or, only intermittently effective).

In other cases, where the offending spouse is more committed to their self-centeredness, these explanations are rejected as unreasonable. In these instances, helping the offended individual / spouse remain open to the possibility of a more fully restored relationship without acquiescing to the manipulative style of communication becomes the focus of counseling (example of this kind of approach here).

Article originally posted at:  http://bradhambrick.com/7-marks-of-a-good-apology-vs-8-marks-of-a-bad-apology/

Time to Stop Praying and Reading, and Start Doing

Article by Rick Thomas

It is easier to talk theology than to live it. It’s easier to talk about your problems than to do something about them. Sometimes it’s wise to put the Bible down, get up from praying and start living what you know.

“But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves” (James 1:22).

Mandy has been in a Bible study for eleven consecutive years. She loves her Bible study. It is the third Tuesday of each month from 7:00 to 8:30 p.m. Mandy shows up at 7:00 sharp and promptly leaves at the last “amen.” Mandy also has a dysfunctional marriage, fifteen years running.

Mark reads his Bible from cover to cover every year. Bible reading has been his passion and conviction for the past nine years. He also rarely misses his morning prayer time. Mark is married to Mandy.

As a couple, they are hitting all the Christian marks. They attend their local church meeting every Sunday, nearly without exception. They are involved in their gender groups. They are consistent in the spiritual disciplines, but their marriage has gone from rocky to rockier.

There is something wrong with their Christian game plan. It is not working. Mark and Mandy are learning but not transforming. They talk at length about their latest study or how thankful they are to be part of a local body that provides so much, but the divide between them continues to grow.

The Best Defense Is a Good Offense

“So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin” (James 4:17).

After asking a few insightful questions to Mandy, it became apparent that one of the reasons she liked her structured Bible study was because it allowed her to show up, sit down, soak in, and quickly leave as soon as it ended. The structure of the Bible study did not challenge her by asking questions that probed the real condition of her life and marriage. It was mostly a sit and soak session that required little from her. She liked it that way.

Her biggest challenge was navigating the spontaneity of the break time without being engaged about the personal things in her life or marriage. Attending Bible study was her way of being in control while tacitly participating in Christianity but not being exposed or challenged. She had a false intimacy with God and her friends.

Mark accomplished similar things, though he went about it another way. Mandy would be private in a group setting, while Mark did his devotions in a private setting. Their best defense was being on the spiritual-discipline-offensive. They were hiding in plain sight.

Their stellar attendance and consistent disciplines moved them to the head of the class, but their lives were not transforming. Their marriage is inching toward increasing dysfunction, and now that their children are in the early teen years, it is affecting the whole family.

The tenor of the home has the feel of smoldering anger. Everyone “gets along” though everyone knows it’s a fake perseverance at best. Mark and Mandy figured out how to coexist in the Christian world while maintaining ongoing displeasure with each other.

This fictional story is not fictional with untold millions of professing Christians. They are involved in all the right Christian things, but Christianity is not intruding their lives in such a way that is transformational.

In most cases like this, no one ever learns the real story, not until something blows up in the marriage or with the children. When this happens, someone calls the Christian medics while the onlookers are scratching their heads, wondering how this could happen to such a stellar couple.

Discipleship Hindrances

“Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling” (Philippians 2:12b).

There could be many reasons for what is wrong with Mark and Mandy. Their story is certainly not an anomaly. I have counseled many couples like this and have discovered a few common denominators. Here are two of them.

No Transparency – The most obvious hindrance is they did not want to be exposed. Being transparent may be one of the hardest things for a Christian to do. Sometimes a lack of transparency is born out of a fear of being hurt or slandered.

Though it is a legitimate fear, it is one that denies the power of the gospel. The fearful person who resists transparency has not appropriately dealt with this question: Is God’s opinion of you more controlling than any other person’s opinion of you?

If God’s opinion has more control over you, then you will be less likely to hide, even with the possibility of being hurt by others. That is the power of the gospel working in a person’s heart.

Another reason for a lack of transparency is because the person is hiding some sin. Sinful living can only thrive in inhabited darkness. Nobody can serve two masters; one will have dominion over the other (Matthew 6:24). When you couple hidden sin with a fear of being exposed, you can guarantee the person will not come clean or find help. Christian disciplines will not help this kind of person, though it can provide a cover for him to operate.

Discipleship can only happen when a person is willing to be completely honest about his life. This kind of discipleship occurs in the contexts of honesty and transparency. Without these two things, a Christian is not growing but going through the motions.

Ignorance – It is possible that Mark and Mandy do not know how to disciple each other. You may be surprised to know the most common answer I hear when I ask a husband how he disciples his wife is, “I don’t know how to do that.”

If they give an answer at all, it is usually along the lines of doing devotions, praying together, or going through a book. While those things could supplement any relationship, they should not be the centerpiece of a relationship.

When books, devotions, and prayer time supplant redemptive communication, the community will deteriorate. It is rare for me to counsel a couple who has not read more than one book on marriage.

It is also rare for me to counsel someone who does not have a working knowledge of the Bible. Books, Bibles, and prayer are almost always part of what a couple has tried to rejuvenate their marriage, only to be disappointed because those things did not work. If I were to counsel Mark and Mandy, I would hyperbolically tell them something along these lines:

I want you both to stop reading your Bible, stop reading all those books, stop praying, stop doing your devotions, and start talking to each other. It’s radical, I know. You both know enough about the Bible to choke a Pharisee. You do not need more Bible knowledge, and your prayers are being hindered and rendered ineffective by God (1 Peter 3:7) because you are missing out on one of the most common-sense things you can do: talk to each other.

Knowledge Plus Application

“For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you again the basic principles of the oracles of God. You need milk, not solid food, for everyone who lives on milk is unskilled in the word of righteousness, since he is a child. But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil” (Hebrews 5:12–14).

Mark and Mandy need to learn how to communicate with each other. They both are unique people, made by God, shaped by sinful means, and in need of someone coming alongside them to unpack them according to how sin has developed them and how God wants them to be.

For example, Mark needs to set aside all his Bible reading and praying and start exegeting another kind of book—his wife. He does not have a knowledge problem; he has an application problem. He could spend the next forty years reading his Bible and praying every day and still end up in divorce court. His Bible reading and prayer life will not help him until he gets in front of his wife and they begin talking honestly and openly.

One of the reasons churches offer so many Bible studies is because it is easier to tell someone what to do through a study than it is to get into the trenches of their lives where the sin is real, feisty, nasty, and complicated. Mark and Mandy need confronting, not more information about what the Bible teaches. They need some friends who can discern their lives and are willing to cut through the nonsense and help them.

Bible studies and prayer vigils will not do this. Those things are essential, but they are passive ways for sanctification to happen. They are part of how to mature in Christ, but if they are the only parts, Mark and Mandy will not grow in Christ. They will become smarter but not more sanctified.

I’m not dissing studying the Bible or praying. I am saying if you know the Word but are not practically engaging your relationships with the Word, you’re dishonoring God and hating your relationships. People can spend a lot of time praying and studying while their families spiral in dysfunction.

I make a living counseling biblically educated Christians. There is something wrong with that statement. It should not be that way. Christian transformation is knowledge plus application, not just knowledge alone.

How to Apply

If you are a person who is not maturing in Christ or if you are in a relationship that is not growing in Christ, here are two things for you to consider.

Are You Transparent?

Without making excuses for why you are not transparent, the question is, are you transparent? If you are not, you will not mature in Christ. The gospel has the power to transform you, but it will be impotent in your life if you are not willing to engage it the right way.

Part of the right way is for you to be engaged by the gospel in the context of community. If you are not willing to be transparent in your community or if you do not have a community that can know you the way you need to be known, you will hinder your growth in Christ.

Are You Hiding Something?

Counseling can be a lying profession. People lie to me all the time. I do not personally struggle with this, though I do sometimes wonder why someone would want to meet with me to talk about personal or marital problems and choose to lie.

If you want to change, you must be honest about what is going on in your life. You cannot reveal half the cards in your deck and expect anyone to speak intelligently into what you need to change. Transformation does not work that way.

Call to Action

If you are willing to be fully transparent and put all of your cards on the table, you are in the best place to change and grow, whether personally or within a relationship (providing the other person embraces your vision and expectation for transformation).

Two individuals who are open and honest with each other can spur one another on in their sanctification (Hebrews 10:25).

Discipleship happens this way. And from that excellent starting point, it is a matter of ongoing communication.

Let’s say my fictional characters, Mark and Mandy, are being practically animated by the gospel. They have nothing to hide and nothing to fear. They are for each other and want to be a means of grace in each other’s lives. If that is where they are, here are some excellent questions that will radicalize their lives and marriage.

You’re welcome to put your Bible down, walk out of your prayer closet, and engage your closest relationships with these questions too. Pick one and start talking:

1. What is God doing in your life? How are you succeeding, and how are you struggling?
2. What are some things I am doing that are helping you mature in Christ? How do I hinder you in your walk with the Lord?
3. What are some of your fears? What do those fears tempt you to do?
4. What is an ongoing struggle you have in your life? When did it begin? What have you been doing about it? How can I help you?
5. What is something you would like to control, but you cannot control, and you struggle with it?
6. In your opinion, how does God see you? I am not asking for a biblical answer but your answer.
7. In your opinion, how do others see you? Are there certain people with whom you struggle? Why do you struggle? What do you think the Lord wants to teach you? How can I help you with this?
8. What regrets do you have? What about guilt or shame related things?
9. What hinders our relationship, and how could I change to make it better?
10. What is something that I am not asking, but you think it would be helpful for me to ask?

Now close this blog and become a practical, active doer of God’s Word.

Article originally posted at:  https://rickthomas.net/stop-praying-stop-reading-your-bible-start-discipling/

Eight Sequential Steps to Change

Article by Rick Thomas

One of the most blessed things about the gospel is the transformation that it brings to us. And one of the most challenging things about the gospel is how many Christians find authentic and sustainable change elusive.

I’m going to walk you through eight sequential steps to long-term and effective change. But before I do that I want to address two critical stumbling blocks that commonly interfere with the Christian’s hope for change.

1. Acknowledging personal brokenness

2. Understanding we cannot change ourselves

Deliverance Is Needed

One of the healthiest perspectives that you can have about your life is your weaknesses, imperfections, and faults. I realize what I just said flies in the face of the long-standing cultural worldview that teaches the path to freedom is through the doors of self-actualization and self-esteem.

The pursuit of self-actualization and high self-esteem are at the heart of the American psyche. There is probably not another culture in the world that has a more elevated view of themselves than Americans, though all “Adamic people” think highly of themselves.

Self-esteem is the call to esteem yourself as being something special (Philippians 2:3-4). That thought, when practicalized, is supposed be the “secret sauce” that unlocks the door to your best life now.

The biblical record could not be more antithetical to the self-esteem gospel (Romans 3:10-12). The message of the Bible is that even though God made us in His image (Genesis 1:27), we chose to taint that image (Genesis 3:7; Romans 5:12) to the point where we are corrupt entirely (Jeremiah 17:9).

Now, this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. – Ephesians 4:17-19

The theological term for our condition is “total depravity.” We are pathetically and irreparably broken. That is who we are before regeneration, and as odd as it may seem, that perspective is the perfect beginning of your best life now.

To know and affirm that you are without hope, separated from salvation, and entirely unable to change how you are is one of the most significant self-reflective thoughts that you could make about yourself.

It is true that our culture knows they need deliverance from something. Where we disagree is the path and method that brings liberation. The culture prefers to pursue personal “god-ness,” as though being autonomous and self-reliant are the ways to their best lives now (Genesis 11:4; John 14:6). The biblical record could not disagree more.

The path to success (Joshua 1:8) is through death, not life (Matthew 16:24). Being aware of the need for deliverance is a good start, but it will be a dead-end and disappointing road if your deliverer is not the Lord Jesus (Proverbs 14:12).

Self-Reflection: As you think about your life, what has been your primary means of saving yourself from yourself? Are you an adherent to the self-esteem gospel or would you characterize yourself as a practitioner of the gospel-centered life, which says, in part, that you are depraved entirely?

A great way to answer those questions is by how you respond to this one: Are you free enough to be vulnerable, transparent, and honest about who you are?

The gospelized person has nothing to fear, hide, or defend because the gospelized person knows that the worst possible thing said about him happened from the cross. (Paraphrasing Milton Vincent from A Gospel Primer.)

The death of Christ is the loudest proclamation ever made about our pathetic-ness, and with the worst thing that could be said about you already broadcasted to the world, you no longer have to pretend you are somebody that you are not–a worldview that is at the heart of the self-esteem movement.

Deliverance Comes from God

If your ultimate goal is to be safe, secure, and free from all present and future harm, there is only one way to find such freedom: God is your Deliverer. Your methods for deliverance have never been able to hold water for long (Jeremiah 2:13).

Principles, inspiring quotes, and a bucket-load of good habits will not save you. Though you can have temporary relief and even short-term behavioral change through worldly wisdom, transformation into a new creation does not happen without the empowering and transformative work of God in your life (2 Corinthians 5:17).

The requirement is on you to relinquish your rights to yourself while asking the Lord to do what you absolutely cannot do under your strength (2 Corinthians 4:7) and wisdom (1 Corinthians 1:18-25).

Continuation down a path of self-reliance, self-serving, and self-preservation is a march into a more profound darkness that will further entangle you into enslaving habits of the mind and body.

Embracing weakness and death is a worldview that is too hard for high-esteemers to grasp. The high self-esteemer lives in a world that feeds the insatiable desire to be somebody. Here is a quick peek into that world:

• They buy clothes to present themselves in a way that they want folks to see them.

• They watch their “likes” on their favorite social media sites because they crave acceptance.

• They disguise who they are while ignoring the real truth about themselves because the culture tells them that it’s unhealthy to their psyches to think otherwise.

• They carefully script their lives into an image for public consumption, hoping that imitation garners appreciation.

If an individual persists in these practices, they will form strongholds that will be almost impossible to defeat. That plan and path to freedom is not freedom at all; it’s a life sentence with no chance of rescue. Only God can set the captive free.

Eight Steps to Change

Do you believe that you are broken and entirely unable to help yourself? Do you think that you need God to change you? Do you think that all the self-help and self-esteem in the world will not transform you from the inside out?

If you believe these things are accurate, you’re on the right path–a path that begins with the grace of God, which is the unmerited means that escorts you to the starting blocks of change.

I have eight steps that will help you change your life. The best way to work through these steps is with a trusted and competent friend. The questions with each step are brutally honest, no doubt, but if you’re serious about change, you’re ready.

Find your friend and get to work. (I have also built an infographic to motivate you along visually.)

Step #1 is grace–God’s unearned favor in your life.

1. Are you indeed at the end of yourself (Luke 15:17)?

2. Do you believe you are worthless (Romans 3:12)?

Step #2 is the gospel–God’s power to bring change to your life.

1. Are you convinced that only God can change you?

2. Are you willing to allow Him to have His way with you?

Step #3 is humility–the fertile ground upon which the gospel will do its work.

1. Are you broken enough to be vulnerable?

2. Are you broken enough to be transparent?

Step #4 is discernment–the ability to perceive the real truth about yourself.

1. Do you know the real you, the whole truth about yourself?

2. Are you willing to confess the whole truth about yourself?

Step #5 is obedience–the desire to follow through with the Spirit’s illuminating instructions.

1. Are you willing to act on whatever it takes to change?

2. Are you willing to revisit your obedience every day?

Step #6 is perseverance–the grace-empowerment to stay the course.

1. Will you secure help from your friends so you can stay the course?

2. Will you hold them accountable to hold you accountable to the process?

Step #7 is gratitude–the heart that cannot be silent about God’s good work.

1. Will you make a gratitude list and add to it each day?

2. Will you share with one other person what the Lord is doing in your life?

Step #8 is exportation–the person who wants others to know, feel, and experience a similar transformation.

1. Will you ask the Father to bring at least one person to you so you can disciple them?

2. Will you begin helping them to experience what you are experiencing?

Article originally posted at:  https://rickthomas.net/portfolio/change-happens/

4 Things to Remind those Graduating

Article by Sara Barratt

Graduation is a time of paradox—excitement combined with fear, beginnings blurred with endings, plans riddled with uncertainty. But it’s only the start of the rollercoaster called adulthood.

It’s been two years since I received my high school diploma. I’ve been on a learning curve about life, God, and navigating the culture as an “official” adult. Since graduation, I’ve messed up, made mistakes, and grown a lot. I’ve gained experience and knowledge I wish I’d known years ago. But I’ve also seen the handprints of wise individuals upon my life who shaped and molded me before graduation day.

Here are four pieces of life advice that can support and equip the grads in your life as they venture into the world.

1. Plans and Dreams Change (But God Doesn’t)

Inside one of the many graduation cards I received, there was a small but power-packed piece of wisdom: “God’s plan will take you places in your life you haven’t thought of yet.”

Unlike many other graduates, I didn’t have a perfectly mapped out four-year plan, complete with college, degree, and subsequent successful career. I graduated two years early (homeschooler’s perk) armed with a desire to minister to teens and a passion to follow Jesus. Unfortunately, I didn’t know exactly how that plan would unfold.

The pressure for a new graduate to appear successful and confident is excruciating. This is intensified by the well-meaning individuals who ask, as a form of small talk, “So, what are your plans now?” Not having a ready answer—or a traditional one—can turn a simple question into an agonizing struggle for grads who feel the pressure to perform according to everyone’s expectations.

One of the most encouraging truths you can share with a graduate is that even if their plans falter, God’s vision for their life is still secure. His purpose may (or may not) be different than what they were anticipating, but he will lead and guide them every step of the way.

That’s a truth they’ll be able to hold onto throughout their entire lives, even when graduation is a distant memory.

2. A Degree Is Optional (But Integrity and Maturity Aren’t)

In our culture, college has increasingly become a prerequisite for success. Going on to higher education can open a world of possibilities. Yet often we’re so busy caring about our grad’s career goals that we forget about their soul.

Colleges and degrees help graduates navigate the world of business, finances, and to get (and hold down) that little thing called a job. But there’s more to the substance of our lives. Grads need to consider their future work, but they also need to remember their souls.

Grads need to consider their future work, but they also need to remember their souls.

Integrity, honesty, compassion, self-giving, and spiritual disciplines uphold graduates through the trials and tough times every adult faces. Focusing on the heart and pointing them to Jesus, we will encourage grads to be giving, sensitive, Christ-following individuals throughout their lives.

3. The World Will Tug at Your Heart (So Stand Firm)

A few months after graduating, I scribbled a few sentences on a scrap piece of paper:

Do I need their applause, approval, or acceptance? Should I alter my life to impress them, even if it’s not what would impress the Lord? Should I be swept into the current of what’s popular and lauded?

I don’t recall what I was referring to, or who “they” were. It’s a snapshot, though, into the mind of someone struggling to be accepted in a culture unaccepting of anyone who varies from the status quo.

As teens head off to colleges and jobs, they’ll encounter a whole new level of peer pressure. New classmates and co-workers will influence—and perhaps change—them. Post-graduation is a season where commitments are tested and integrity tried.

That’s why it’s vital to send them off strong and equipped, committed to standing firm on truth. Point them to Scripture. Hold them accountable. Encourage them to find—and join—a local church. Model integrity. And most importantly, pray fervently. As you do, you’ll help them stand strong.

4. Keep God First (Always)

The most powerful way you can help set grads up for success is by pointing them to Jesus Christ. Our human counsel can, and will, fall short. His never will.

As I think about the comments I received during graduation, I mostly heard things along the lines of “Reach for the stars” and “You’ve got this!” My friends wanted the best for me, and I’m thankful they cared enough to encourage me. But most of the words were hollow.

What if, instead of, “Reach for the stars,” we told our grads, “Reach for Jesus”? What if, instead of, “You’ve got this” we reminded them, “God’s got this”? What if we created with our words, and actions, a climate of desperate dependance on Christ? What if we prompted them to keep God first, no matter what?

We would have a generation of graduates more passionate about Jesus and more devoted to the things of God.

We only have so much influence over our graduates. So in addition to supporting them and cheering them on, point them to Jesus. And don’t forget to pray for their endeavors and successes. Pray they don’t give up after failure. Pray God leads them every day of their lives. Pray God places wise and godly people—and a healthy church—in their path. Pray they’ll stand strong and fix their eyes on Christ.

Those beloved grads are in God’s hands, and he’ll never let them go.

Sara Barratt is an 18-year-old lead writer and editor for theRebelution.com. She’s passionate about pointing teens to Christ and reclaiming truth from the lies of the culture. Connect with her at sarabarratt.com and on Facebook.

Article originally posted at:  https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/4-things-to-remind-the-grads-in-your-life/

Bitter Root, Rotten Fruit

by Paul Tautges

Hebrews 12:15-17 warns,

See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled; that there be no immoral or godless person like Esau, who sold his own birthright for a single meal. For you know that even afterwards, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no place for repentance, though he sought for it with tears.

Let’s take a few minutes to counsel one another about the corruption of bitterness and what steps we can take to kill this nasty weed.

What is bitterness and what does it do?

• Bitterness [harsh, distasteful attitude) springs from a shortage of grace (“See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God”). When I am bitter against someone for sinning against me–intentionally or unintentionally–then I am not functioning as a grace-dispensing believer.
• Bitterness is a “root” attitude of heart. Roots grow downward, getting deeper and more deeply embedded and entangled. If my shortage of grace is prolonged then my heart will become increasingly hardened toward others.
• Bitterness has fruit that grows upward and outward, touching others (“springing up”). When I am bitter it is impossible for me to be the only one infected. Others around me will also be poisoned.
• Bitterness “causes trouble.” When I have nurtured the root of bitterness in my heart its rotten fruit will cause further harm, and lead to further sin. It is an entangling sin.
• Bitterness, if not repented of, can harden the heart to the point of no return (“Esau…found no place for repentance”). A sober warning!

Weed-killer for Bitterness

• Forgive from your heart those who have hurt you (Matthew 18:35).
• Bless those who have hurt you; overcome evil with good (Romans 12:19-21).
• Actively choose not to remember sins committed against you. Actively choosing not to remember is different than forgetting. In Jeremiah 31:34, God says he will “remember no more” the sins of his people. This is not memory failure, or forgetfulness. This is God’s conscious choice to no longer hold our sins against us. We must do the same with the sins of others.
• Destroy “lists of sins” committed against you, mental lists or actual, written lists (1 Cor. 13:5).
• Make peace with others, as much as is in your power (Rom. 12:18)

Listen to the sermon by Paul Tautges:  Listen to the related audio sermon here.

Humility Before God

Article by Mike Ayers

The first two years of life are all about the struggle of learning to walk and talk. These are the basics at this age. Learning to talk is rather cute and harmless. Learning to walk, on the other hand, can be a bit treacherous. My oldest son cut his eye open doing so. My other son kept a knot in the middle of his head for six weeks during this process.

Despite the danger, we as parents make them do it because we know we have to teach certain things first. There are basic prerequisites to functioning in life and some things come before others. We walk, then we run; we learn the alphabet, then we read; etc.

In the spiritual life, there exists a fundamental prerequisite for relating to God, and if there is any single key condition for authentic holy living it would be the virtue of humility. It is, in fact, a quality from which all other dimensions of life in Christ flow.

Saint Augustine said, “Humility is the foundation of all the other virtues hence, in the soul in which this virtue does not exist, there cannot be any other virtue.”

Can one receive salvation without humility? No. Can one develop in character, love, be reconciled to others, or worship without humility? No. This is why humility is such a high value in God’s economy.

In 2 Chronicles 7, the Bible describes prayers and worship offered to God at the dedication of the temple upon its completion. In response, God gives commands for relating to Him and provides promises of blessings when those commands are heeded.

Contained in this passage is likely the premiere verse for spiritual revival in all of Scripture.

“If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.” - 2 Chronicles 7:14

The very first phrase—that is, the very first condition for God’s response, forgiveness, and healing of His people, is humility. God says that we are to humble ourselves before Him.

As a prerequisite for relating to God, humility is like one of those required classes in college. You know, the ones you don’t choose because they’re not as fun, as easy, or as relevant as the others. If you flunk this kind of class, you have to take it again. We who have lived long enough in Christ know that we don’t really have a choice when it comes to humility. It is required by God. So, we can humble ourselves: we willingly posture ourselves before God without pretention or pride. Or, we can do it the hard way—experience pain in our lives as a result of pride that eventually leads to humiliation. In other words, we can be humble, or be humbled. In fact, it may be true that one cannot be humble before God until one has been humbled by God. After some of my own experiences of pain resulting from arrogance and independence, I’d like to choose the former.

But what is contained in humility before God? I believe there are three dynamics at work that leads a person to humble themselves.

The first is PERSPECTIVE. Humility flows from a perspective that I have about God, and then about myself in relationship to Him.

Let’s look at Isaiah’s experience:

“In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord, high and exalted, seated on a throne; and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphim, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another: “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory.” At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.” - Isaiah 6:1-4

Wow! Isaiah had a vision of God where He clearly came to grips with the majesty, holiness, righteousness, and purity of His character. What was Isaiah’s immediate response?

“Then I said, Woe is me! for I am undone; because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips: for mine eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts.” - Isaiah 6:5

Do you get a picture of what the Bible is describing? It is a vision of God’s holiness. Holiness includes God’s complete moral purity and perfection, i.e., His righteousness in character. More than that, God’s holiness primarily points to what some theologians have called His infinite “otherness”. To say that God is holy means that He is transcendentally separate and distinct in His purity and goodness from us.

As a result of this vision, Isaiah was “undone” before God. Have you ever been completely undone before God? This word could be translated as “ruined”, or “utterly lost.” His perspective was, “I don’t measure up. I don’t deserve to be in God’s presence, let alone to be a recipient of His grace and mercy. I am unworthy.”

You see, when we have an accurate understanding of who God is, we will then have an accurate understanding of who we are. The result is humility. The perspective is that there is no way we could stand in God’s presence with any sense of right to do so or pride in what we bring. It is a deep understanding that He is God and I am not.

Therefore, when we are allowed to be in His presence (as we are) and be loved by this holy God, this fact produces the second component of humility: gratitude.Because of who He is, in light of who we are, and because we are received by Him, we worship this infinitely other God with hearts full of gratitude and praise!

The Book of Revelation paints the greatest picture of humble gratitude in eternal worship.

“After this I looked, and behold, a great multitude that no one could number, from every nation, from all tribes and peoples and languages, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed in white robes, with palm branches in their hands, and crying out with a loud voice, “Salvation belongs to our God who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb!” And all the angels were standing around the throne and around the elders and the four living creatures, and they fell on their faces before the throne and worshiped God, saying, “Amen! Blessing and glory and wisdom and thanksgiving and honor and power and might be to our God forever and ever! Amen.” - Revelation 7:9-12

See the angels around the throne? The multitudes falling on their faces before the God? They are beings who are overwhelmed with the reality: “We are not worthy, yet we are chosen.”

Here’s our human problem. Familiarity breeds ingratitude. What we are used to, we take for granted. Therefore, ongoing spiritual vitality requires constant awakening to what we have in Christ. It means remembering the preciousness of the gift of salvation, the unending presence of the Holy Spirit within, and that fact of our destiny in eternity.

But humility doesn’t end with perspective and gratitude. Most might think it would. If it did, humility might only be a profound thought (perspective) or a fleeting feeling (gratitude). True humility is manifested in one’s life. Upon recognizing God’s holiness, and being grateful for His love and acceptance, the results are an innate desire to do what He wants, to seek His ways, to trust His commands, and to believe that His way is truly best. So thirdly, true humility requires obedience.

In this sense, disobedience to God is not so much rebellion, as much as it is a lack of perspective and gratitude.

As parents, we want our children to obey us, not out of legalistic allegiance, but out of perspective of who we are to them, and out of gratitude for all we have done for them. The same is true for the Father in Heaven.

Perspective, gratitude, and obedience. These are the marks of humility before God.

Billy Graham’s death recently occurred. The week of his death, I read many articles about him and his ministry. Time and again, there was one trait that was expressed about him by countless people who knew Reverend Graham and had worked with him. It was humility.

Come to think of it. Every godly person I have ever known in my life, regardless of their respected positions, great achievements or considerable power they held, were humble people. 

Mike Ayers

Mike Ayers, a Regular Contributor to For The Church, is the lead pastor of The Brook Church in Tomball, Texas, the Chair and Professor of Leadership Studies at College of Biblical Studies in Houston, and the author of Power to Lead: Five Essentials for the Practice of Biblical Leadership. He is a husband of 26 years to Tammy, and they have three children: Ryan, Brandon, and Kaley.

Article posted on:  https://ftc.co/resource-library/blog-entries/humility-before-god